Note: This entry has subject matter that is psychologically deep and not necessarily linear in construction. It is not intended to indicate an analysis of any person or particular situation. It is merely a "venting" necessitated by an over-abundance of stress in my life. If you make any sense of this, you have my sincerest and most humble sympathy. Apparently you're as far gone as me.

There are times in my life when I wonder, truly, if I am my own worst enemy. It seems that I am the greatest single source of my own misery due to my blatant disregard for possible outcomes to decisions I make. I try to reason out the various outcomes that could result from a decision. Perhaps it’s a feeble attempt at not only self-preservation, but also the preservation of the ones around me that I consider very dear to my heart. Invariably, regardless of my thoughts on the outcome, I tend to let my emotions and my instinct guide my choices. It’s rather ironic that I inwardly chastise people who cast their fate to the wind and are reckless with their actions and lives, yet I seem to do that very thing each and every day with the choices I make.

Sometimes I’m lucky and walk away unscathed by potentially crippling ramifications. Other times, I’m figuratively driven into the ground on my chin by the things that come to pass as a direct result of my choices. Perhaps this is common to many people. Perhaps I only “feel” as if I’m an isolated case. Odds are that this is not something rare, but no matter. I live within this body and mind and I deal with the feelings and the actions and the reactions to what choices I make.

It doesn’t matter if it’s a common feeling or not. Realizing that others deal with this does not comfort me as I deal with it. It merely causes me to be saddened for others who apparently go through what I do, at times. Ultimately, I must come to grips with the results of my indiscretions and hasty decisions. Ultimately, I must rise to the challenge of what I have wrought with my own two hands and do my best to care for those caught up in the malestrom of my actions.

A dull and sickening ache seems to always pervade my being and gnaw at my soul. I don’t think there is any recourse I can ever enact that will drive this from me. Many of you, at this point, might very well be asking yourself, “Has this man gone utterly mad? Has he gone so deep within himself, trying to find some sort of reasoning for his own foolishness that he’s lost a grip on the reality of life? Has he failed to come to grips with the undeniable fact that no man is truly in control of his own destiny and circumstances?”

I’ve wondered about my sanity in the midst of the endless circling my life tends to make. Strange loops of complacency and monotony seem to pervade my existence, wearing deeper and deeper grooves in the surface of my consciousness. But, I think this comes about as a result of my own need for a constant “routine” and fear of change. When things change, then the comfort of familiar aspects in my life are torn away. I find myself unsure… uncertain… hesitant of what to do next.

I seem to keep finding myself boomeranging, if you will, back to the same crossroads I always come to. Which path to take? Which destiny will be mine? How will I cope with the negative ramifications of my decision, regardless of which path I take? I cannot see beyond the horizon of my destiny… merely the paths leading off into the distance and the choices left upon the post before me. At this point, I tend to step back and think… “Both decisions will hold negative effects. This is one of the certainties of life. Merely take one path and hope for the best”.

I also seem to have a knack for following in the gene-laden habits of my forefathers when it comes to emotional issues and behaviors. Be it good, bad, or simply quirky and unique… it seems to have an inherited pattern to it. This pattern has gotten me laughs, love, and a lot of expressions that seem to silently say “So, Jason, how long HAVE you been eating paint chips?” Regardless, I seem doomed to follow not only in the positive of my ancestors but also in the negative. This worries me when it comes to my two boys. So much negative has already been thrust upon them in their short years here on this Earth.

I’m certainly no shining example of perfect fatherhood and no model husband. But I do try to encourage them and steer them along the proper and responsible pathway through life, even tho there seems to be an inhereted “butting of the heads” when it comes to obedience in the face of what they’d rather do. As I’ve mentioned to my parents on occasion… I never knew the proverbial “Paying for your Raising” statement included accrued interest. ~lol~ Ah, laughter. That felt good.

Well, before I suck up all the bandwidth on the server with this single post, I’ll take a break and resurface to the land of the living. I have nicer things to worry about on the surface… like having more bills than money. More later.